 | Garfield: I have television commercials. They're too long to sit through... And they're too short for a trip to the sandbox! Гарфилд: Ненавижу рекламные ролики. Они слишком длинны, чтобы их пересидеть... ...И слишком коротки, чтобы успеть сбегать до лотка!
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 | Garfield: I hate television. There are too many commercials, reruns and game shows. The eight hours I watched yesterday was terrible
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 | Garfield: Television is only so much mindless drivel... Glossy adventures, sex and violence. Ain't it great?
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 | TV: And now, a word from our sponsor *ZOOM* TV: Welcome back
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 | TV: Ah ah ahhh! Don't touch that dial. We'll be right back
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 | TV: Our cat food is new and improved! New and improved! New and improved! Garfield: Just think... All this time I've been eating old and inferior
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 | Television: Nothing is showing up on the computer radar so I"ll put a nice «Mr. Sunshine» right here. But, satellite pictures show an approaching low-pressure area, so I'll put mean ol' «Mr. Thunderstorm» and his lightning bolt right here. Look out, Mr Sunshine! Boom! Kaboom! Blam! Garfield: Millions of in state-of-the-art electronic equipment to gather data and we get baby talk.
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 | TV: Okay, campers, it's time to exercise! Let's start with some leg lifts...ready, begin! Annnd ONE and... *click* Garfield: Two.
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 | Garfield: I'm stuck on one channel! *click click click click* Garfield: What could be worse? TV: Welcome to the lassie film festival Garfield: AARRRGHH!
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 | TV: Stay tuned. Or don't. We don't care... For apathy theater.
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 | TV: And now...the juggling Rigatoni brothers. Oops. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Garfield: The flaming baton may not be a good idea.
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 | TV: Cats are more popular than ever. And our hidden camera shows why! Payoffs to pet owners from the powerful cat lobby! Garfield: LIES! ALL LIES!
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 | TV: Ow! I cut myself! Ouch! Now I burned my finger! I think I'll order a pizza Garfield: «Cooking for Klutzes»
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 | Today's program is brought to you by a product we couldn't care less about We're being cancelled at the end of the season, so it hardly matters anyway.... Hey, petey everett from third grade...Bite me! Garfield: Too bad it's ending...it's getting better
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 | we at channel 3! are dedicated to quality programming informative,educational, and responsible, that's us! we now return to worlds ugliest people Garfield: look at that nose!
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 | TV: We clowns laugh on the outside. And cry on the inside. How fascinating, Binky. Tell us more. Garfield: I'm awake on the outside and asleep on the inside.
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 | TV: Now back to «Grandma's knitting basket»! *click-click-clickety clickety click clickety cli-* TV: @#M*%@!!!!...Dropped a stitch! Garfield: Grandma's a colorful old gal.
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 | TV: We return now to «The Littlest Elf».
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 | TV: My first guest tonight needs no introduction
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 | TV: Frank, dearest, there's something I MUST tell you. Go ahead, my darling. Tell me... ...Uh... This has been «Writer's Block Theatre» Garfield: ...
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 | TV: Nothing whatsoever happened in the world today. Everybody was watching television. Details at eleven. Garfield: ...On the All-Irony Channel.
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 | TV: Culthbert...Oh, Culthbert... Culthbert, There's something I must tell you... Yes, Philomena, my dear? I...I am in love with another.it's Thaddeus. Thaddeus Ramsbottom? Yes... Might I remind you, Mrs. Aphat, that your maiden name is Scott. So? So, if you marry Thaddeus, your name will become...Philomena Scott-Aphat-Ramsbottom. I think I'll say... That's my chubby bunny! Garfield: Vanity triumphs over love once again.
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 | TV: Welcome to the All-Mime Channel. And now a word from our sponsor.
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 | TV: A GIFT CARD? I spend THREE WEEKS baking cookies, and all you get me is a lousy GIFT CARD?!! We will return to «The Christmas Mommy Snapped» Garfield: Hide the rolling pin
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 | TV: RAAAAHHR!!! Holy BOVINES, corporal! There's a giant monster invading the city! That's not a monster, sir. What are you talking about?! Call out the artillery!! It's just a bad actor in a rubber suit. Oh, it is NOT! It's a monster! Come on...I can see the zipper! Egad! A ZIPPER monster! That's the worst kind! And that's not a real city. INSOLENCE! I'll have you COURT-MARTIALED!! These are just tiny little model buildings... Garfield: General Cordwood seems to have buried himself in the part TV: See? PUT MY HOUSE DOWN!!
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 | TV: Rudolph, won't you guide my sleigh tonight? Get with it, chubs. Use this. Cool! A GPS! Garfield: I feel old
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 | TV: Welcome to «Self-Help For Cats». Tonight's subject... Changing your own litter box. Garfield: «Menu», «Mute», «Guide», here it is... «Block Channel».
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 | Garfield: Life is going on out there... And here I sit eating donuts and watching cartoons. Reality is overrated
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 | TV: Welcome too «Adorable Animals.» Here's a puppy who just can't stay awake! And two kittens who snuggle together in a sunbeam... As squirrels and bunnies frolic together in a garden outside! That's it for this weeks «Adorable Animals» Coming up next... «Hideous, disgusting animals»
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 | TV: We now return to «Dick, The Cat Who Didn't Save Christmas». TV: Dick, stop clawing the waterbed! TV: Oh, no! The presents are all soaked! Garfield: All right, Dick! Now go swat the ornaments off the tree!
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 | TV: Welcome to «Stupid Mime Theater». Uh...line?
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 | TV: I have solved the mystery of who ate all the peanuts! But what about the murder? Oh...that... Garfield: Nice going, inspector low-hanging fruit
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 | TV: Why are cats the way they are? We don't know. They won't tell us. Garfield: So stop asking already!
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 | TV: Yes, dogs are indeed man's best friend. And cats? They're more like a snobbish neighbor. Garfield: Peasant!
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 | Garfield: I've watched enough television. TV: Coming up next... ...something. Garfield: That might be good.
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 | TV: Watermelon slices make tasty treats. And the rinds make lovely hats. And gluing the seeds to your eyebrows tells people that you are a fun personage! Garfield: Craft people are strange.
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 | TV: News flash! Space aliens have landed! They have taken over the Earth! And they really don't like cats. Garfield: I hate Mondays.
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 | TV: What's that, fluffy? - Meow meow. - What are you trying to tell me, Fluffy? - Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow! - I wish I understood you, Fluffy Garfield: He says he hates being called «Fluffy»
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 | TV: Here comes the monster! Look at him just shuffling along. Why are they always so slow? Garfield: It's a two-hour movie.
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 | TV: And here's the news. Wow... Seriously? Garfield: Read it out loud!
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 | TV: Ow!...Ow!...Ow!...Ow! How am I supposed to do this?!...ow!! We will return to «The Invisible Man Cuts Himself Shaving». OW!!
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 | TV: The two dinosaurs are fighting! At least I think they're fighting... ...Or slow dancing. Garfield: The romantic music might be a clue!
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 | TV Doc: I'm afraid I have bad news, Curtis Curtis: Give it to me straight, doc Doc: You have a severe... Nut allergy Curtis: NOOO!! Garfield: Tough break for a squirell
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 | TV: Good evening! And welcome to backward theater! *Click!*
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 | TV: Don't touch that dial! Garfield: Okay, I won't. And what's a dial?
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 | TV: And now here's our movie reviewer, Bob... I didn't see the movie this week. I slept through it. Garfield: Sounds good!
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 | TV: No, really!.. Honest! I found these holes when I got it home! TV: Riiiight TV: We will continue with «Mothra returns a sweater»
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 | TV: Today, on monster horror theater... «Attack of zombie recliner» Recliner: You're blocking my view
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 | TV: Nooo! It can't be! I've run out of moisturizer! Garfield: The mummy's curse ТВ: Нееет! Не может быть! У меня кончился увлажняющий крем! Гарфилд: Проклятие мумии
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 | TV: Coming up next, on cliffhanger theater... ТВ: Далее в шоу «Продолжение следует»...
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